Sometimes You Just Become a Prisoner Of Your Own Mind!

 Sometimes you just become a prisoner of your own mind

Sometimes we really must cultivate patience and for people like me - that is not always an easy assignment! It's easy to become a prisoner of your own mind, carefully building up a wall of fencing around yourself. I know because I am good at it!  Yesterday, my good friend Janet poked me and said something to the effect that surely I had something to post about here on the blog -  since I have not posted for so long. My last attempt at a post was truncated. My typing was iffy - even with spell check and proof reading, my mood was low and my pain was high - so it did not seem like a great idea to whine on about my newly installed spinal 'hardware' any longer.Now, though, I do feel like I should complete at least a part of that post. If you are bored with it I understand- just skip this post and anticipate some ART in a day or so. If you have back or spine issues then perhaps this is something that might be of interest.

I have to admit to really wondering if I had made a mistake to have this second operation. I thought somehow that I would wake up magically free of the pain. Not so - not at all. It was worse , much worse than the first cervical operation in June- of course  this one took twice as long and left a 6 inch incision too. Duh! How could I be so dang naive?!  This pain was like nothing I had ever experienced. The Saturday after the operation (which had been the previous Tuesday) I ended up in the emergency room here (we have two rooms that serve as emergency rooms in our clinic)for near 5 hours as they tried to get my pain under control. I should have remained in the hospital for another night - but it was just not a "get better" sort of place". Don't get me started on pain control in this country - it is simply despicable what some doctors consider 'aedequate' or sufficient medication. Yes, trust me, I work for the court and I get the fact that some people use this stuff for things other than pain  control- though why they would choose to do that is beyond me.  Straight and clear is the best of way for a mind to be - but if you are in pain the doctors should listen to you - not be dismissive and ruse. I am grateful that me primary care giver is someone who does "get" pain - and I was more lucky to be able to to go to our local emergency room to get to a point that i could stop crying from the pain. Familiar faces make a world of difference too I think.

Yesterday at a doctor's appointment I got the okay to return to work on light duty for the next 6 months - which for means only that I can't lift much nor sit for long periods of time in a court room. Work will be, more or less, the same as usual. As I voiced concerned about  whether I had made the right decision  the doc aid that he thought I had done the right thing. We discussed the success rate for this sort of spinal surgery. I had been thinking I should be feeling perkier by now.  He said that it will take 8 months or so to really see what the effect of the  surgery will be and that here are. indeed,  some success stories (and he hopes I am one of those) but that in general what this type of surgery does is  to keep the person out of a wheel chair - and I recalled I had heard that before too. I think in that regard I will be a success story - but I may not be hiking like I used to - though walking is better now than before. 

It is difficult for me to realize and own the fact that I will not be the super active person I once was - but I am realizing that this does not mean that I am no longer me- I am....I just have to gracefully accept my simple restrictions and be most thankful that I am as healthy as I am - and that the pain and memory of this operation will all fade with time. It's been a year for sure but there are SO many others in SO much worse shape than me....I have finally, I think, been able to stop the pity party!

I have been doing a few things. Mostly reading - of course - and knitting - a fabulous shawl. I have also been thinking about ways I want to work in metal some more. I have some ATC's to work on this weekend - they are late -  overdue - much the way the cleaning and the house looks overdue for a real "winter snug in". I say that as we have snow on the ground and a temperature of 23F (-5C) with very windy conditions. Yesterday was the first day I had driven since being home - and, as luck would have it, it was near blizzard conditions when I left the doc's office. I was glad for 4WD!

So there you have it - the whines and the non whines. I am looking forward to making these ATC's and getting going again on both my book blog (also overdue) and to posting something at least vaguely art like here ... leaving time for a nap now and then!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of us here in the US - actually to all of my friend's everywhere. There is so much to be thankful for and there is always someone in a worse way than you are. Be well and be happy and be filled with light.

 

Back But Foggy Still and a Shameless Request For A Vote

What no photos? No you would prefer not to have any trust me!
I still sleep more than anything else and one of the things that hurt the most in the hospital was when they took took some adhesive bandaging off my neck. It's not pretty and at least I know I had a reason to cry. They could not believe how thin and sensitive my skin was! I think I can have the bandage off of the incision today or tomorrow, I was finally told that there is a product that they can use to soften the adhesive to make it easier and less traumatic to remove.  Wish they had used it when the large dressing came off when the removed the drain! I want my routine back .. and I want the energy to play again. I am feeling impatient. That's good I guess.....but I've already had enough of being an invalid.

I am not sure if my lower back was helped any by this operation. It still hurts - but differently. Being in bed too much can't be that good for it either I guess. My arms are not tingling and I am not dropping things any more so I know it helped my cervical neck problems. The last thing I remember was being wheeled into the operating room - then nothing until recovery. How cool is that.  I am such a wimp! My typing must surely testify to my still being in a bit of a fog - and it's nearly nap time too I should add.

I am not sure if some of you are members of The Alliance For American Quilts but if you are I would love it if you would have a look at their contest called "New From Old". I entered a piece called "If The Baltimore Ladies Had Batiks" and I could use all of the cotes and support I can get. I SO SO SO want to win this contest - for so many reasons- the biggest reason is that I won't be able to afford the grand prize if I can't win it somehow and I just LOVE using this sit down machine so much that I know I am the right person for it. How;s that for a show of hubris that is generally not like me?!! I know it would make a HUGE difference in my quilting abilities and capabilities!  have a look the quilts here - and, if you are not a member just enjoy them all. There are famous people in the group - and just regular sorts of hopefuls like me too.   I think that you can get to to the photos from this main page. Thanks for looking! http://www.allianceforamericanquilts.org/

I'll Be Back

Today I am cleaning, doing laundry and preparing for my big appointment with the neurosurgeon tomorrow morning. I also seem to have unwittingly made a copy of my entire IPhoto album which is really bumming me out at the moment. That one I will have to deal with at some point in the future.

I have been considering posting a daily update - but then again I am also thinking that it might bore everyone to death. Maybe someone who will be having this surgery in the future might find it interesting or helpful, but maybe not. Obviously, I seem to be having a difficult time making this rather small decision.  I don't want to bore y'all nor do I want to not have anything much to post about in the next couple of weeks. I WILL however be having some new book reviews coming up. Lark Books sent me some of their new titles to review and I am really excited about some of them. Lark has always been one of my favorite craft publishers so I am really excited to have several books from them to review.

I had hoped to be able to take my IPad with me but I exchanged the WiFi model that I got on my birthday for a 3G model and, alas and alack, it will not be here until June 22. That reminds me - I need to move my laptop into the bedroom - since I doubt I will be climbing the ladder to where it now lives very often in the next week or so. Guess I better get back to work !

See y'all soon. I'll miss my cyber community!

Happy Spring - and a few experiments in my journal

All of the images are "double-clickable" for a larger and more detailed view

SPRING

"For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; 

The flowers appear on the earth; 

the time of the singing of birds is come, 

and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land; 

The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with 

the tender grape, give a good smell. 

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away"

Song of Solomon 2:11

Well, despite the rain and winter storms we have had recently here in the the Spring holidays surely mean that Spring has truly arrived - somewhere!  The other day I was remembering how, when I was growing up on the East Coast, we would buy new Easter clothes that were invariably warm weather oriented - light colors and short sleeved or sleeveless. The weather, also invariably, was never warm on Easter ! How is it that every year we hope that it will, indeed, be warm enough on Easter to wear summery clothes?! If I was - or had been- more of a fashionista I could say that it was an excuse to buy new clothes - but alas- here I sit in my comfortable clothes with not even an Easter ham to cook. The holiday slipped my mind this year some how!

These are some experimental journal pages that I have recently been playing with. I seem to return to the Artist Trading Card Workshop by Bernie Berlin for new techniques to try. They all work quite as well in journaling as they do on ATC's. This technique is using embossing powder as a resist with acrylic paints. I would never have considered this method unless I had read about it. I had bought some embossing powder years and years ago - and had never used it - nor had I thought that I would ever find a good enough reason to use it ! Wrong! The embossing powder works like any other resist and, when heat is applied after fixing the powder - it allows the background to show through -- lifting the powder and leaving the color. It's a very interesting technique that I know I will use more in the future. I used some of the verbiage from the Song of Solomon to highlight the images.

I have never been very facile in using light or pastel colors. The unfinished journal page below is an attempt to force myself to use the soft colors of Spring and also an experiment is using gaffer's tape to create a grid. I interspersed some of my favorite short quotes in some of the block. My plan is to use some more pale on pale in some of the areas. I still seem to have issues with pastels! 

I think this aversion stems from when I was in high school - a private all girls school. For dances and deb parties everyone always seemed to wear pastels - which left me uninspired even then! I used to choose things like a moire silk in deep burgundy - or a slinky black gown. That being said I truly wish that I could learn to use soft colors more adroitly since they do now hold a certain fascination and beauty for me. I plan to try more and more experiments with soft colors.  Anyone else have "pale aversion"?  What have you done to overcome it? Or did you even want to?

Yesterday a friend and I went to a great local quilt show on the mainland - I came away from it really energized to get back to some fabric works. Tomorrow I will be posting photos from this fun day. When we returned to the island we found snow and hail oiled a bit on the sidewalks! First snow of the year and we missed it !  What did my hummingbirds do in this cold? I gave them fresh, warm solutions in all four quart feeders this morning as a treat.

Note: as far as the doctor went - I have surgery scheduled in June. Since Lauren and I had some time before the appointments we did a little shopping. While I waited for Lauren to pick me up from one of the shops I wandered into pet store. I have a special fondness for white cats - always have. We are down to one resident kitty now - a hardy 16 year old. As I went into the store I thought "wouldn't it be funny if I find a white kitty here" - well, sure enough, there she was- with a heart warming story attached to her. We did not have time after the appointments to go and get her - but she is being held for me to come and get. I can;t wait to be able to introduce you to her when she comes home!

Touring Life. Who Is That Person In The Mirror?

 My little piece of Paradise -at the harbor

I have not posted an awful lot of creativity lately because I have not been accomplishing much lately.  I  thought I might offer a brief explanation about why my posts have been less creatively original than usual of late. I have considered writing this post for awhile but kept hemming and hawing about it - it's about life and aging - not about creating anything - or reading anything! I have been having lots of conversations with myself and I have been doodle-ing in paint, felt and cloth - but nothing very perfect or concrete. Nothing to post about or brag about. I appreciate those of you who stop by faithfully to have look and I want, very much, to be able to offer some fun, creative posts again! I'll be able to do that soon I think!

When I was younger my plan for aging was to do it gracefully. Oh, I always knew that I might try to force back time by vainly hanging onto my hair color - Mother began going gray at 21 and it seems that red hair often does that. I always planned that I would have energy enough to go around - though not, perhaps, the egocentric energy of my 20's when I could play at night and be up and get to work on time none the worse for wear.  I have always liked daydreaming so I figured that I would slow down a bit at some point and spend more time in that favored pursuit - along with my beloved habit of napping!

I have now gotten to the point when I look in the mirror and wonder who the person staring back at me is. When I was 45, not that very long ago, I was in the best shape of my life - running distance, lifting weights, chasing happiness; finding happiness and a new freedom to explore my life more creatively than I had been able to while I was on the 'short track' to a career. The funny thing about that career is that, although I truly loved it, when I got up the ladder a ways I found that I preferred a lower step so that I could have art in my life again rather than  larger pay check.  About 8 years ago or so my back began to tell me that I was no longer the  youngster that I had once been. Back pain, these days, is almost a cliche - and so I almost hoped it would be that for me. I had always prided myself on being relatively strong and thought nothing of moving furniture about or hefting large bags of soil or fabrics. I would ache that night but be over it the next day.

Recently - over that last several years- the pain has become much worse; much more insistent - it never stops- and much more debilitating. I have been forced to discover that it is not a cliche pain but something more concrete that that. One doctor told me that I had fibromyalgia, severe osteoarthritis and several herniated discs. Well, medication for fibro seemed to do nothing and, eventually, I just stopped taking it. I actually felt better without it! My back and neck pain were becoming more severe; keeping me up at night and graying down my days, restricting what I could manage to achieve in a day. Recently, I saw a neurosurgeon who does not think that I have fibromyalgia but does think that I have major issues in both my lumbar and cervical spine areas. It appears that I will, more than likely, require two surgeries over time - tomorrow I will hear more and perhaps have a timeline. I will be ecstatic if there is a chance that I can go back to being, more often than not at least, pain free.

Dealing with this issue has led me to thinking more about aging. I totally 'get' how some older people who are plagued by chronic discomfort may come to the point that they question what there is to keep going for. I have become much more empathetic about people with pain issues. Pain is insidious - people can't see it- so they can't imagine that you are not a hypochondriac or slacker. It has taken my friends awhile to understand that when I say I don't think I can manage doing something or going somewhere - I really mean it. Pain has no look of illness - you look the same, more or less, as always. Pain is subjective and, if you have not be there and done that, I don't think that anyone can really "get it".  I have been fairly lucky I suppose in that my doctor's have not thought that I was exaggerating - all in all - with one notable exception (a doctor who 'sized me up' without having a single look at my file) I have been well treated. Many people are not as lucky.

Tomorrow I will know more about what my near future holds and I am hopeful to be able to plan on getting my mojo back - I want to play and paint and sew and felt and journal with abandon. I want 'me' back again. I want to once again be able to look in the mirror and accept aging as gracefully as I had once thought I would. Age is a good thing really and I am grateful to be here. The only bad thing is pain - and hopefully I can lose a good measure of that!

The good thing is that when I can get into a creative flow it takes my mind away from the pain. My paints, felts and fabrics have never held as much meaning and pleasure for me - I just don't produce as much that's worthy of sharing right now - but I am having a heck of a good time experimenting! I know I will have some good stuff to share with you soon! 

We all go on this journey of aging, if we are lucky - and I think that there are a lots of issues we all face in the process. Few of us speak of the process though - it's boring, and, at times trite, but it is a reality. I would love to hear your thoughts on aging. Do you embrace it? Do you fight it? Does it bother you? Make you happy or sad? What are some of your thoughts? Thanks for sharing!

ps: if anyone has had back surgery I would love to hear your story about it.

Happy Valentine's Day. Wishing You All Love & Laughter!

Valentine's Day has always puzzled me just a bit. The idea of choosing one day to be especially loving or thoughtful just never quite sat right with me really - although I have always enjoyed the rewards of this special day I always thought that it would be more pertinent to use this day to commit to making every day a 'Valentine's' day. I mean - if you truly care for someone then you should attempt to treat them lovingly every day right? Would a gold heart that says " Property of Tiffany" mean I am loved more than say a beautiful card and some of my favorite vanilla almonds?  Would a trip to Victoria's Secret mean that I care more for spuse on this day than any other? That is beside the point that  trip to Victoria's Secreat at my stage of life would be a harrowing experience for me as well as my mate!! As the old adage goes- at this point in my life " I am made for comfort not speed"  - and yes, I treasure my Lazy'Girl' chair. Come to think of it why are those chairs always lazy boys? We gals enjoy a good lazy day too !

I was lucky to get a beautiful stargazer lily plant and one of my favorites- a jasmine plant that I am praying I can manage to keep alive for a long time !

I wandered through a few Valentine's sites today looking for answers about why we celebrate this special red heart day. I found lots of interesting things and this post could become a book if I let it - albeit I suppose it might be an interesting little tome. I discovered the usual bits of history that are, actually, well worth noting again:

Quote"....

On February 14 around the year 278 A.D., Valentine, a holy priest in Rome in the days of Emperor Claudius II, was executed. Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army, but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families. To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Valentine was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. The sentence was carried out on February 14, on or about the year 270.

Legend also has it that while in jail, St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine." For his great service, Valentine was named a saint after his death. In truth, the exact origins and identity of St. Valentine are unclear. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, "At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs, are mentioned in the early martyrologies under the date of 14 February." One was a priest in Rome, the second one was a bishop of Interamna (now Terni, Italy) and the third St. Valentine was a martyr in the Roman province of Africa.Legends vary on how the martyr's name became connected with romance. The date of his death may have become mingled with the Feast of Lupercalia, a pagan festival of love. On these occasions, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed. In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius decided to put an end to the Feast of Lupercalia, and he declared that February 14 be celebrated as St Valentine's Day.

..." END QUOTE

Well, that's one theory anyway !  Have a look at the website I found that offers lots of great information about Valentine's Day and it customs and history - as well as many other theories about the beginning of this heart worth day. Look at it all here ! 

One of the most fun things that I found on my web walkabout is this dating through the ages gem from The History Channel - it's just too much fun to NOT take this little quiz. The History channel also offers this fabulous little video about the history of the Valentine's Day card. This is well worth the time and you will see glimpses of the most awesome cards ever ! This woman has an amazing collection she says contains 10,000 pieces.

I guess Valentine's Day is good. It's always a good thing to tell the people that you love that they are special in your life - that, indeed, they grace your life with their love and friendship. I am blessed to have some some 'forever' friends. They hold my past and my future in their hands. I am also blessed to have found a 'forever' husband. No easy feat in this day and age when honesty and integrity can be sorely lacking in many. I had to go through some toads to get here - but  " in love" is a wonderful place to find myself in !  I wish all of you who share my blog journey with me special thanks and hope that your Valentine's Day is blessed with love, laughter and light!

PS: I just was sent a wonderful vision of St. Valentine's day from Kevin Deviercy . Very well done! Have a look at this as well !
 

Why Keep A Journal ?

 I saw this wonderful little 'spot' over at Sharon's PinTangle and was so touched by it that I thought I would share it with you here too. People have asked why I journal - and I could not say it any better than this.

 W. Cleon Skousen (1913-2006) shares his way of keeping a  personal journal and after a life time there is 100 plus journals.

Monkey Mind Ramblings: Early Bird or Night Owl?

I've been feeling rather edgy lately - rather like this frenzy of these color stix - just all over the place. Maybe it's the last grasping gray claws of Winter that are setting my mind on edge - or maybe it's just that I am just trying to 'birth' some ideas. Maybe there is some gris gris energy in the stars that is setting me off?  I need to make a decision about some back surgery - maybe subconsciously that's what is making me feel "off my game". I dunno - but I wish it would pass. I prefer to feel a bit more grounded.   All of my desire for color is still in place but I am not sure just how I want to get the colors down. Paper? Cloth?  I'll probably just take my own advice to "just start somewhere" - that usually does the trick and then I can proudly say that I do take my own advice! How unusual!! I am late with some journal work - so I guess I better start there.

Late into the night yesterday my thoughts were doing their usual monkey mind rambling and I began to think about early birds and night owls.  Some people love the quiet of the early morning hours. I prefer the stillness of the night. I think it's really the same aesthetic. The other night I woke up in pre-dawn hours and listened. I always sleep with an open window even in the dead of Winter. I feel like I can't breath otherwise! I listened to the silence and could envision a fox shifting position in it's den. The crows waiting to wake everyone up with their raucousness. Chickadees snuggling in their nests. I listened to the utter stillness that one can only find in the blessed quiet of rural areas these days. Finally I heard the low call of an owl - which is what I think I had wanted to hear all along. The messenger of night-time stillness called out - saying that all was well in the nighttime landscape.

I have longed puzzled if our preferences for being an early bird or a night owl are born. I have preferred the late night ever since I can remember - and it seems to me that Mother told me that I preferred that as an infant as well. My spouse and dear friend are both consummate early birds - and claim that they too have always been like that. Well, I think my firend may have not been when she was in her 20's - I'll have to ask her that! I wonder if anyone has done any research on this silly little tidbit of our genetics. Predisposition or not? What say you? Which are you? Why do you like your early morning or late night?

Fallow - Time To Hold & Reflect

 

 

 FALLOW 1 |ˈfalō|

adjective
(of farmland) plowed and harrowed but left unsown for a period 

in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation or to avoid surplus production :

incentives for farmers to let the land lie fallow in order to reduce grain surpluses.
• figurative inactive : long fallow periods when nothing seems to happen.

I have been experiencing a fallow time. We all seem to be plagued with these  creative 'down' periods at one time or another. I can sit in front of a page or piece of cloth and my mind goes blank - nothing comes up. Not one creative thought or desire. I try to take my own advice and "just start". One line of color , one dot of black on a clean surface. Just begin. Eventually it works. I slowly take a halting step towards reconnection with the msue. Slow. Plodding at first but the momentum builds. I am not yet rolling in creative juices but I am closer than I was a day or three ago.

It is, after all, still a retrograde phase for mercury and, during these times, it is supposed to be a good idea to not start any new projects. A time for reflection and reviewing. I have been doing that. Last summer I began to knit a shawl from Cheryl Oberle's book "Folk Shawls" - it's called the Stora Dimun Shawl. I decided to go back to work on it . I am using a beautiful pea green Misti Alpaca yarn that is soft and comforting to work with.  My previous work looks awful - so I take it  all apart and  create a huge ball of yarn. Time to begin again - but I consider it not a beginning but a reviewing! Now, it looks better and I am happier with it. It may do justice to the yarn now - while before it looked awkward and forced - the stitches all 'wonky' and uneven. Maybe my mind was uneven when I first began it! I have several pairs of gloves almost finished as well as a pair or two of socks - all of these are there to be finished during these fallow times when I have no spark of creativity left - when I want to do it stare out the window and watch the birds feast.

Maybe in another day or two I will have something new to share - something more creative - or maybe I will just continue to patiently knit away the evening hours. Then, at least, I will have the real beginnings of a shawl to show you ! Mercury will off retrograde on Friday the 15th. I wait for more creative juice - patiently making one line of color, one knitted row, one line of words in my journal. The good thing is that fallow times are always followed by heady creative times. Just as we must have shadow in order to appreciate the sun we must also have fallow times in order to fully appreciate the gift of creativity when it begins to once again flow through us. The key, I think, is to learn to also enjoy the fallow periods. To consider them not down, useless, times but rather as preparation - a time to fill the well with calmness and with thankfulness. A time to be rather than to do. It's all good.

Life: It's Difficult When Your Doctor Moves Away

After this more personal note I will go back to "regular" programming about fabric and art - I promise! I have just been pondering life recently too much I guess!

I am  old enough to remember doctors that called back when a patient or their family called in with a question. I am old enough to remember when doctor's seemed to actually care about their patient's and when health management was more about health and less about management and dollars. I  am also old enough to remember when I never needed to go to a doctor so that having a "family" doctor was anathema to me. A "quick clinic" was always good enough for bronchitis or simple matters that required a 15 minute visit and a single script for antibiotics or cough medicine.

I have always had a difficult time liking doctors and I am certain that this aversion lies with my mother's doctor. Mother was an alcoholic - dt's, hallucinations, hospitalizations etc. Her doctor gave her ups, downs and in-betweens. I always had a difficult time with that but have come to accept that this was, after all, the era of three martini lunches and no restrictions on medications that today we would be shocked to ever see prescribed. I don't blame the doctor - it was the time & space and my mother's own refusal to acknowledge that she had a problem at all ... neither did my father or step-father for that matter.

I have been very hesitant to see doctor's and, when I do see them I generally think that they are only half listening to me and only giving me credit for having half a mind and no body  'smarts'  at all!  Over the years I have been been fairly lucky to have found several doctors who I felt very comfortable with and two of those were people that I could easily have been able to think of as friends had I known them outside of their practice. One of these wonderful doctors retired - finding that insurance companies were too tedious to deal with any longer. My next doctor was young and excellent and I was glad to have had him as my "family doctor"for several years. He moved on to bigger and greater things - and for him this made sense I  know. My latest doctor was the best. He was like Marcus Welby - he actually c-a-r-e-d about his patients, he made the call-backs himself (!), he followed up on things without lots of phone tag. He was young and up-to-date on the latest & greatest that the world of medicine had to offer. This doctor even gave me credit for knowing my own body and he l-i-s-t-e-n-e-d carefully. He was all business - but practiced business with a heart. Now, after only a couple of years he too has left the clinic that many of us go to. If it were a publicly known reason why he left I think many people would have campaigned to keep him here. Some of us have hoped that he will one day return.

So I have "lost" three doctors over 10 years. Now what? Where is my next "Marcus Welby MD"? Unfortunately, unless I travel far away I will need to chose another local doctor. Before he left "Marcus" told me who he thought would be my best local choice (and why) and he also recommended some "traveling distance' physicians in the event that I was not happy with anyone here. I am back to having my blood pressure rise & my heart beat faster every time I have to show up at a doctor's appointment. I hate it...I miss my "Marcus Welby"as I know many others here do. There are not many of them left in the world of medicine which has become a world of dollars rather than sense.

Life: It's Just The Way It Is

Aging!  It's Just The Way It Is !

Aging is an interesting business and I believe that most of us, at one point or another, vow to accomplish this journey with grace and finesse. No screaming and denial for us! I was relatively petite for most of my life, enjoying the ability to eat pretty much what I wanted to with no obvious deleterious effects. That was then you know - this is now - or was it then? No it is now - not then I am quite sure!

The other day a friend of mine called. After "hi what's new" we began comparing notes about the sometimes funny and, at times, not at all  that funny, passage of time. I used to think that no matter what size you wore - that was the size you wore no matter who was making the clothes. If pants were snug then surely it was me who needed slimming - the manufacturer could not have skimped. Surely no kindly manufacturer would intentionally send a size conscious female into a tail spin of depression and angst by cutting their patterns smaller than the "normal" size recommendations that the 'international bureau of clothing size standards'' dictated? A good friend who I have always thought was quite  a small person once gifted me with a PILE of clothing. I am still wearing some of these gems years later. Her taste ran parallel to mine and she could have been my personal shopper any day - wait! she WAS my personal shopper sometimes come to think of it!  The clothes she donated to a good cause (me) were all sizes from 6-14. I was flummoxed. I asked her once if she had kept all of the clothes for a long time or if some of them had been pre-pregnancy clothes? She looked at me with somewhat serious look as if she were speaking to a dullard - huh?!! Indeed she, the fashion-ista of us all clued me in that there was no 'international board of clothing standards'. She imparted the precious knowledge that manufacturers made clothes is what ever measurements they wanted to make them in. One company's 8 could mean another companies 12. This was one heck of a liberating moment for me! No longer was I chained to a can of dry tuna when a pair of slacks felt too snug. I'd just pick a pair from another manufacturer! Yeah! As the years marched relentlessly forward and my distractions made me no longer a long distance runner but a small distance walker, the non existent 'board of international clothing measurement standards' kept expanding my concept of permissible size ranges...when one day I noticed that my unmentionables were also playing this "no standard size" game? How  could that be? Jockey had always been the last bastions of size conformity! At last I take under consideration that it might now be time rather than clothing manufacturers that were the issue. I cautiously pushed the ubiquitous "buy me" button and ordered a larger size. Ahhhhh! relief! I was no longer suffering from a lap band on the outside of me ... comfort ruled once again.

The last few years have been a real eye opener for me. I hate things like belts now. I hate having anything that is not loose and soft of my person. I kept wondering why I was always comfortable at home - ah! could it be perhaps, that I always were elastic waist pants at home?! They may be soft linen Flax pants - but they still have elastic rather than unforgiving stiff roll bands! I like long flowing clothes anyway - and, if I had the wallet to afford it, I would look for a new wardrobe that suits my new, increasingly need for s-o-f-t-n-e-s-s life.  Longer tops with less shape and soft fabrics can sometimes make my short self look somethign akin to a walking toadstool about to tip over. But, no matter - I am comfortable and now understand the adage "made for comfort not speed". Yet another rather rude awakening that I have been able to take with aplomb - it is, after all, just the way it is.

Just as my friend and I (notice how she is remaining nameless less she kick me when she sees me next time!) had finally decided that aging is, really and truly, okay and that we accepted  as 'simply the way it is' the larger sizes we seemed to be gravitating to these days (notice I said we were gravitating to - not that gravity was taking us to them!) began to discuss clothing patterns. "Nameless friend" was just beginning to construct a new jacket from some wonderful fabric that she had recently bought. It's rather like a  jacquard in a scrumptious low key pumpkin color that managed to camouflage small pumpkins within it's weave. She said that, after taking some measurements she was going to have to go and exchange some of the patterns that she had recently bought for larger sized patterns. Why?, I asked - you KNOW that those clothing manufacturers are all different and ALWAYS add a lot of give don't you!! The size you got will fit just fine!

Yep. we're fine with aging - it's just the way it is - right?!

Creative Christmas Bounty

I thought I would share some of my Christmas bounty with you. DH is very supportive of my creative endeavors. He never really says much but the gifts he gives speak louder than words I think. The Fountain Pen books shown above is my collection. I had one, some wonderful freinds gave me one and DH gave me two that are more difficult to find. Yahoo ! I have already been able to learn a lot ! You really can't tell it from the photo but that big box is a home studio lighting set! I will now be able to take some better photos of my quilts - and other things too. This lighting system had been on my wish list for a long time. I hope to work with it this weekend.
Last, but by NO means least, here is my art supply bounty- WoW - I could hardly believe it when I saw these boxes filled with TONS of paints, some mediums, a variety of sketching pencils, colored pencils & many new brushes !!! I know there was a freindly elf helping DH with this - but it was such a great surprise. Just in time for a new quilt that has been percolating in my head for months ! Doesn't it just look good all together?!!

What I Wish For You All

Last year my friend Janet enclosed the following in her card. I keep it where I can see it during the year - but it is especially meaningful perhaps, on Christmas Eve. For all of my friends; near or far, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan, or agnostic .......

May You Have:
Friends for your days,
remembering the lonely.
Food for your body,
remembering the hungry.
Freedom in your life,
remembering the enslaved.
Peace in your heart,
remembering the troubled.

Stay warm, if you travel ,do it safely , share the warmth of family and friends and just a little bit of magic in your holiday. Thank you all for spending some of your valuable time with me here on the blog and for sharing, thereby, a part of your lives with me too. Namaste.

How I Managed To Recover My Merry HoHoHo!

I doodled a bit - always good to let my mind wander

After yesterday's post I realized that I was letting the discomfort of Fibro & CFS get to me. I hate it when I do that, but sometimes the pain level is just too much! These are the things I did yesterday to snap out of it! After I posted I decided that I had to unstick myself. For me, there is only one way to do that - take the first step. I began by wrapping some of DH's gifts, wondering all the while what he would like, what he would use & what might not end up being a 'winner'. Wrapping gifts actually made me feel better. It was a start. Next I started some chicken and dumplings for tonight's dinner - it's the perfect weather for this kind of comfort food & I had been having a hankering for this dish all of last week anyway. Next, thanks to DH bringing the stamps home on a break, I actually got the cards in the mail. Another resounding affimation that I was not yet permanently attached to the chair or the bed! Doing something makes doing more so much easier! Today I think I can wrap some gifts that need to get sent out - who knows, maybe they might get to their destinations for the holidays after all !

The deck had some remarkably amusing things on it!
This bird house was called "Bunk's House in honor
of our oldest cat our passed away at 19 several years ago.

I picked up my lino cutters and did some cutting - this is one that I had started & then stopped -
it was good to finish it & also made me feel good to be moving along some part of the 'creative trail'!

I marveled, as I always do at this time of year at how important warm feet are!
These are knitted with wonderful, warm, Perendale Wool & they are then fulled.

I will always be grateful to Sarah for making me realize that I simply HAD to learn to knit these booties. I have not suffered from cold feet since I learned to make them. They are, simply the cure for cold feet. Kat Bordhi does such a great job of explaingin things clearly in her book called "Socks That Soar". I was below being a neophyte knitter when I began making these. I told this story last year I think - so those of you who have read the blog for that long can just glaze over for this part. Sarah made me my first pair of these as a Christmas gift and, when we traveled to the mainland together, she would use the time to try to teach me how to make them.At that point I did not know a knit from purl or a circular needle from a crochet hook so it was like Sarah was trying to teach me Greek in an hour. It didn't work. When she moved to Maine though I knew that I was in trouble and that I simply had to buckle down and learn to make these 'cold busters' myself. The rest, as they say, is history. I ended up making about 10 pairs of them for myself and for gifts. I would not want to face a winter without them! Thanks to Sarah for her patience with me and to Cat Bordhi for her wonderful book! Next I am going to go for two socks at a time !

Thanks to all of you who write. I so appreciated your notes. I guess I was in a bit of funk - and you helped make me want to climb out of the 'garbage pail' - as Frederick Perls would have said. I know most of you are too young to remember his type of gestalt therapy ! I never liked the idea of it but he wrote a book whose title I just loved : "In and Out The Garbage Pail".

So Many Things That I Want To Do !

Snow Day November 2006

This was the the view from the window a couple of years ago. Nothing like that since! The prognosticators tell us that there is a chance of some lowland snow tomorrow - but I doubt that it will materialize!

This morning I was discussing the idea of mortality with my friend & co-worker. I mentioned that I sometimes feel that time is "running out" & that I am, at moments, just a tad frightened about my mortality. Maybe that's why I have so many creative 'irons' in the fire - there is just so much to learn and experience! I have outlived my mother by 11 years already as well as many friends along the way. My friend passed this this lovely little passage to me- and so I thought that I would share it with you. Namaste.

Consider the world light,
And the spirit is not burdened;
Consider the myriad things slight,
And the mind is not confused.
Consider life & death equal,
And the intellect is not afraid;
Consider change as sameness,
And clarity is not obscured.

Lao-Tsu

'Homecation': Vacation At Home

"Even though you will return home at the end of any vacation,
the idea of your holiday is not to complete it as quickly as possible
so that you can check it off your list. The idea of your vacation
- and of life - is to have a joyful experience."
Abraham-Hicks

I have been knitting away in the evenings, but have been swamped at work because I had vacation time this month. The piles of work on my desk leave me feeling enervated at the end of the day to say the least! Luckily for me I have another ELEVEN days off!! We get Thursday & Friday off for Thanksgiving & I generally work Wednesday thru Friday (we opted to not take another holiday so that we could have two days for Turkey Feasting) . DH suggested that I take Wednesday off & I requested it the next day - and got it! That evening DH said "do you realize that by taking one day off you have actually got 11 days off in a row?" I hadn't thought of it that way but I am SO happy. I get the vacation time I really need - at home! Yahoo!

'Homecations' are the best I think! I am hoping to paint some more fabric. Finish knitting a sweater/coat, paint some more yardage, & finish my doll.... and cook a bunch too I guess!

Namaste

When I'm at my day job I seem to fall behind. Generally, by the time I get home there is not much "juice" left for the other, most enjoyable, parts of my life! It's a blessing to be fortunate enough to have the ability to enjoy a balance of work, work & home work. I have been considering aging a lot lately though - and I have to say that I think it's a great thing - albeit having a bit less agility or litheness is not my most favorite part!

I like being where I am in life. I love this time of life in fact! I wish it had not taken so long to get here! At this point in time I can say "whatever" and it really means just that - that I simply don't have the time to waste over smaller details or issues. I think that drama in one's life can be addictive & self-perpetuating. I did it for a time - for too long in fact -and am SO happy to not be in that space any longer. It is a gift to to have no drama. I take great pleasure, when people ask me what's new, to say "nothing"! I have found that by not over reacting to things, they happen as they need to - and everything progresses (or not!) in it's own time. I have found that I love my routines - a word that once struck terror in my core. I love comfort now too, in dress & surroundings, and I have taken perverse delight in throwing out every pair of stiletto heels I owned & donating my very conservative business suits to charity. I go to bed early now and love the extra time that it gives me to read. I am, in fact, finally allowing myself to return to the person I always thought I should be before the concept of climbing the career mountain reared it's rude, fast paced, competitive, empty head.

Things I take the time to enjoy more now:

Listening to snippets of conversations that swirl around me during the day.

Listening to all the different bird songs.

Really stopping to s m e l l the roses.

Believeing that I have the right to relax & enjoy life.

Learning new things with pride.

Taking the time to create something I like personally - that does not, necessarily, meet some one else's criteria or needs .. and to take the time to do it 'right'.

Learning that it really is okay to say "no" - and that it can be said respectfully and nicely.

All this may sound like I am a doffering old lady already - and I am certainly not that yet - what I am becoming at this point, however, is a softer, more considered red headed self- someone who takes the time to enjoy the wonder of living more meaningfully and less hectically. The world can be the most fabulous place to be after all. Namaste.

Angels Among Us or Happy Birthday James Odell Aloysius Ellery

Today would have been my beloved maternal uncle's birthday - He's the stylin' dude on the upper left in the photo (the others are also my uncles). I honor him here for "his" day. He passed on about 7 years ago. I still miss him. My grandmother - his mother- had heard somewhere that people born on February 15th were prone to being a bit fey. Family gossip always said that grandmother tended to treat him a bit more cautiously because of that superstition. Grandmother, however, was also convinced that I had the seem wacky familial fey gene. Maybe that's why I was extraordinarily close to my mother's family while I seldom saw (or thought of) my father's rather bland, conservative side of the family! I digress.

My uncle was my "champion" - never thinking that I was looney - always supporting me and my crazy life adventures - both artistic & otherwise. He was always there for me with unquestioned love & approval - or sometimes maybe not approval - but with positive suggestions. James was eccentric to be sure. I loved that quality about him! Maybe that's why we got along. He tended to fly in the face of modern conventions & he eschewed keeping up with any sort of Jones' lifestyle. He always signed his letters with "illegitimi non carborundum"- it was a saying that kept me going once or twice! I never heard it anywhere else.

On the day that I got the call about my uncle's death I was at work & became (duh!) rather upset. My friend , Lauren, took me out for a bit of fresh air. We walked to the store down the street and entered through the back door. When we left the store, we went out through the front door. Right in front of me -scrawled in large letters with fat chalk - on the sidewalk were the words "illigitimi non corobundum "! I knew that my uncle had managed to find a way to come to see me after all. His love will always sustain me - on his birthday and every day. Happy Birthday Uncle Jim ! There really are angels among us !

Happy Valentine's Day

"Friend:

One who knows

all about you

& loves you

just the same..."

Elbert Hubbard

This morning DH surprised me with Dove DARK chocolate (yes, I am a chocolate snob), flowers & a sweet card in which he enclosed the little poem above. I think it is a perfect sentiment. He is, certainly, my best friend simply by way of being with me day in and day out - and he knows my angels as well as my demons. My closest friends know those sides of me as well ! I have been 'blog blessed' to have developed some cyber friendships that are, truly, meaningful. Although you cyber friends cannot know the sunshine and shadows that are my life, you are an important part of my life none-the-less.

Kim, who has one of my favorite blogs, presented us with the "Biggest Heart Award". I love the graphic and will happily display it. My friends are the people who give me the gift of lessons of the heart - because of my friends (both cyber and real) I have grown and begun to flouish - albeit at a later age than many ! Thank you Kim, for including me on your blog roll. I am honored.Kim's is one blog that I look forward to every day - there is always something inspirational on her pages. I would like to do as Kim did & pass this lovely "heart award" along to those who are on my "Eye Candy" blog roll - please display this beautiful graphic if you would like - and know that your blogs enrich my day.

I am blessed by the love of dh, of course, and by the many blessings that friendship brings. Thank you all! Happy Valentine's Day - from the heart.

Back To The Sixties

http://cruzintheavenue.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

You need to copy and paste this link - for some odd reason when I added the hot link it took me to an different site. Sorry 'bout the inconvenience - but it IS worth it !

I had been wondering what to write about today. My friend, Kathy, answered the question for me. The attached link is an absoultely fabulous encapsulation of the history of the 60's. The early sixties were a bit too early for my memory banks to register much, but I am a veteran Woodstockian. My parents thought I was on a l-o-n-g sleepover at a girlfriend's house &, of course, she had said the same thing to her folks. Amazing that we were not "found out".. or maybe we were & the folks just never acknowledged it ! I had dug around on the internet several days ago to find the Woodstock poster - so when Kathy sent this link it was like Kismet.
The video is relatively long - so if you choose to watch it...sit back and enjoy the memories - or the history lesson as the case may be !!

The wind is howling like a Banshee today - wonder if we will lose power?? Nah ! Our cooperative power company has done a stellar job in recent years. Better than any mainland power company I think!