Sometimes you just become a prisoner of your own mind
Sometimes we really must cultivate patience and for people like me - that is not always an easy assignment! It's easy to become a prisoner of your own mind, carefully building up a wall of fencing around yourself. I know because I am good at it! Yesterday, my good friend Janet poked me and said something to the effect that surely I had something to post about here on the blog - since I have not posted for so long. My last attempt at a post was truncated. My typing was iffy - even with spell check and proof reading, my mood was low and my pain was high - so it did not seem like a great idea to whine on about my newly installed spinal 'hardware' any longer.Now, though, I do feel like I should complete at least a part of that post. If you are bored with it I understand- just skip this post and anticipate some ART in a day or so. If you have back or spine issues then perhaps this is something that might be of interest.
I have to admit to really wondering if I had made a mistake to have this second operation. I thought somehow that I would wake up magically free of the pain. Not so - not at all. It was worse , much worse than the first cervical operation in June- of course this one took twice as long and left a 6 inch incision too. Duh! How could I be so dang naive?! This pain was like nothing I had ever experienced. The Saturday after the operation (which had been the previous Tuesday) I ended up in the emergency room here (we have two rooms that serve as emergency rooms in our clinic)for near 5 hours as they tried to get my pain under control. I should have remained in the hospital for another night - but it was just not a "get better" sort of place". Don't get me started on pain control in this country - it is simply despicable what some doctors consider 'aedequate' or sufficient medication. Yes, trust me, I work for the court and I get the fact that some people use this stuff for things other than pain control- though why they would choose to do that is beyond me. Straight and clear is the best of way for a mind to be - but if you are in pain the doctors should listen to you - not be dismissive and ruse. I am grateful that me primary care giver is someone who does "get" pain - and I was more lucky to be able to to go to our local emergency room to get to a point that i could stop crying from the pain. Familiar faces make a world of difference too I think.
Yesterday at a doctor's appointment I got the okay to return to work on light duty for the next 6 months - which for means only that I can't lift much nor sit for long periods of time in a court room. Work will be, more or less, the same as usual. As I voiced concerned about whether I had made the right decision the doc aid that he thought I had done the right thing. We discussed the success rate for this sort of spinal surgery. I had been thinking I should be feeling perkier by now. He said that it will take 8 months or so to really see what the effect of the surgery will be and that here are. indeed, some success stories (and he hopes I am one of those) but that in general what this type of surgery does is to keep the person out of a wheel chair - and I recalled I had heard that before too. I think in that regard I will be a success story - but I may not be hiking like I used to - though walking is better now than before.
It is difficult for me to realize and own the fact that I will not be the super active person I once was - but I am realizing that this does not mean that I am no longer me- I am....I just have to gracefully accept my simple restrictions and be most thankful that I am as healthy as I am - and that the pain and memory of this operation will all fade with time. It's been a year for sure but there are SO many others in SO much worse shape than me....I have finally, I think, been able to stop the pity party!
I have been doing a few things. Mostly reading - of course - and knitting - a fabulous shawl. I have also been thinking about ways I want to work in metal some more. I have some ATC's to work on this weekend - they are late - overdue - much the way the cleaning and the house looks overdue for a real "winter snug in". I say that as we have snow on the ground and a temperature of 23F (-5C) with very windy conditions. Yesterday was the first day I had driven since being home - and, as luck would have it, it was near blizzard conditions when I left the doc's office. I was glad for 4WD!
So there you have it - the whines and the non whines. I am looking forward to making these ATC's and getting going again on both my book blog (also overdue) and to posting something at least vaguely art like here ... leaving time for a nap now and then!
Happy Thanksgiving to all of us here in the US - actually to all of my friend's everywhere. There is so much to be thankful for and there is always someone in a worse way than you are. Be well and be happy and be filled with light.